Chautauqua | Standing Tall

DAVID MOIR

The Grey Flash lines up in a 900m trial Tuesday the 6/08/2018 and the entire racing community in Australia will have their eyes glued to a computer screen or mobile phone in anticipation. Holding their breath, praying and hoping the big unit jumps. He has failed to jump out of the gates 5 times in trials this year. After 4 stand stills in Melbourne he successfully jumped, only to again to dig his heels in and give Tommy Berry the big “FU” Tommy, I ain’t leaving (wolf of wall street) at Randwick a few weeks ago. He is required by Racing NSW stewards to successfully trial twice before his racing ban is lifted.

My love affair with the flashy grey started at a place and time of the year where only locals or die hard racing fans make their way to Clarendon to generally watch Godolphin win all of their sponsored races. Hawkesbury stand alone Saturday May 3rd2014. He was a drifting favourite $4.5-$6 then heavily backed late. Jumped ok, last on the turn and took the short cut home to win with authority in the Hawkesbury guineas at 1400m. It was love at first sight, true, I love a grey but there was something about that horse. How would you have know that you were witnessing a future group 1 star on a cold and dreary Autumns day in Western Sydney. There’s so many jaw-dropping performances to mention, however two will forever stick in my mind. Chautauqua’s Hong Kong international sprint victory at the International meet at the time was the epitome of “How did he win from there?” He was stirred up pre race, sweaty and agitated and flopped out the gates 3 length last 8-10 lengths of the leaders. Under heavy riding just to stay on the back on the trailing horse, he looked gone after a furlong. Rounding the turn he was so wide and back that he wasn’t on the TV footage. Then as you’ve come to expect, somehow he picks himself up and flashes home on the outside of horses and appears out of nowhere to get home just in time. That win, in my opinion cemented him as one of the sprinting greats. Everything went wrong but was still able to get the job done. He travelled half way around the world but was freakishly still good enough to round up an international field when it seemed hopeless. I’ve been so spoiled in my lifetime to see superstars of the turf such as Winx and Black Caviar and they have had wins that have captivated the country but none like the third TJ Smith at Royal Randwick in 2017. I couldn’t believe my eyes on track and honestly still couldn’t believe he got there after watching the replay at least 8 times. He was 7 lengths off the leaders with 150m to go… “Can he do it, Chautauqua, he’s flying, YES! There’s history” (Darren Flindell 2017) Goosebumps, every time. A trackside memory that will take some beating and one that I will never ever forget.

I am not a vet, but by all report from those involved he is stronger and healthier than ever physically. Its what’s going on inside his ears that are causing the issues. I’ve heard it referred to as if “the lights been switched off” and they are doing every thing in their power to switch it back on. If you’ve ridden a horse before, you are well aware that you cannot make them do anything they don’t want to. They are 500kg+ animals and Chautauqua is fully sound and not being hurt in anyway through the undertakings trying to get him to gallop. It’s definitely not a horse welfare issue where the animals are being mistreated to enhance performance. It must be so frustrating having a horse of his caliber agonisingly close to blowing away Australia’s best sprinting horses for millions of dollars. One on the owners has made a statement in regards to this “It’s like having a Ferrari in the garage and not being able to take it out for a drive”

The shear madness and unpredictably in this animal is what makes him so great. He’s a freak in every sense of the word. How many horses can you remember that flop out the gate last, look to be struggling chasing off the bit only to make up 7 lengths in the final 200m to nail group 1 fields? In essences his racing flaws it was makes him such a champion and so exciting to watch unfold trackside. You expect him to do it, but when he does you are in absolute awe as to how. How did he get there?

If he does jump and complete the trial satisfactory he will still require another successful trial to be cleared of his racing ban. Even still that would be 5/8 unsuccessful attempts at leaving the barriers. Racing is a numbers and statistics sport and that would equate to him unfortunately not jumping out of the gates 62.5% of the time. Surely in the age we live in, where betting turnover and racing integrity, the chances that he would remain in the gates should he get back to the track cannot be risked considering the punting dollars invested. It’s not specifically for the racing people whose twitters are littered with racing identities and corporations but for that once a carnival punter oblivious to the grey flash’s antics. Would he do his money cold? Would the betting agencies refund bets taken on Chautauqua if the worst would happen? I think not. 

Knowing the vulnerability of Chautauqua “The Grey Flash” a modern day champion no doubt, he cannot be trusted to go back to the races as much as that hurts me to say. I am hoping that if he doesn’t jump as he has demonstrated is his preference this year that Racing NSW has the stones to ban the big fella from accepting at trials and as a result close the book on a magnificent career. For mine, his reluctance to leave the gates on multiple occasions is saying that he doesn’t want to be a racehorse anymore. It would be unbelievable for racing for him to get back, however I don’t see how it’s possible he can. It is clear so far that the owners cannot come to that decision on their own or are reluctant to.

He’s a 6 times Group one winner that is physical healthy and anybody who has owned a share in a horse knows how hard it is to get one that has any ability, or even makes the track. He’s a once in a lifetime horse (if you’re lucky).

Can you blame them?

Big love,

Nath.

Forgiveness

Holiday season, a time that can conjure up polar opposite feelings dependent on your circumstances. On one hand, a wonderful time spent with family and friends, enjoying each other’s company sharing love, or spent alone in isolation or in a deep seeded sense of self-hatred and pity thinking about what you don’t have or have lost. Often it is a time of self-reflection and analyzing which often causes the regurgitation of negative emotions and it doesn’t have to be.

Forgive yourself. Whatever it is. You can be free.

Whether you betrayed or seriously let down a loved one.

Whether you drank too much and acted out of character.

Whether you lost the love of your life.

Whether you missed a potentially life changing opportunity.

Whether you haven’t achieved what you would have liked so far in life.

Whether you lost that business you worked so hard to build.

Whether you are not with your family at Christmas because of XYZ.

Whether you have lost all this time dwelling on the past and not dealing with the emotions that have kept you grounded to a certain outcome.

Until you forgive yourself, regardless of somebody else forgiving you, you will always be stuck to the feelings and negative emotions associated with the past. You will keep paying the price emotionally over and over again keeping you entrapped and unable to allow happiness and contentment to enter your life. We have an unrealistic expectation that we are perfect and cannot forgive ourselves for not being perfect or what we think we should be reject ourselves. You’re not perfect and you will make mistakes. Carrying around all that weight is only hurting you. You are worthy of forgiveness and love.

It’s in the past and you can’t do anything about it now, look forward, try your best to make amends where you can but be proud of who you are and take the knowledge you have learned to crush it and not make the same mistakes again. There is a whole world out there and by looking backwards about things you cannot change is only keeping you from experiencing potentially amazing things moving forward.

Without self-hatred and pity.

Free.

Chloe

You find wonder at the smallest things in life, a flower, bubble wrap and jumping in puddles after a rain storm. Love is given without the expectation of reciprocation or transactionally. Laughter without constraint and happiness for no specific reason. Kisses with your mouth open. Acceptance without judgment. No scars from behind hurt in the world, an undisturbed existence. You could be anything you want to be. Untouched, pure and uncorrupted. Not programmed by today’s society or parental expectations. So new and innocent you don’t even have expectations, wants or needs, just existing. No fear, a free human doing whatever you want. Wild and free, smiling and having fun exploring and not being afraid. Not worrying about the past or the future, just living in the present moment. As meaningless and pointless as that may seem to the “grown up” people. You harbor a sense of wonder about the world, oblivious to the horrors that are separate from your world.  Sleeping soundly without a single second lost about thinking about stuff that doesn’t matter in your realm. Just being unconditionally and authentically you.

I envy you, what I wouldn’t do to have what you have, a fresh slate, a chance to be whomever or whatever I want to be.

Hold on…

You're Gonna Die.

@davidrocknyc

Its true, no matter what you try to do to avoid it, you’re gonna die. Your heart will stop beating and there is no more time left. Often we get sidetracked with our day to day living that we fail to acknowledge our own mortality and fail to live the lives we want. What holds us back? We are only here for a finite period of time and eventually our bones will perish from this planet.

Fear: There’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s not real. It’s something that you have created in your own mind. Challenge fear and overcome it and see how insignificant and irrational fear is. Start that business that you have been desperate to create. The fear that it wont be successful or you might fail isn’t real either, all that will be lost is money and that can always be re-earned. Quit that fucking toxic job that makes you miserable and brings out the absolute worst qualities in you. Your fear surrounding stepping out of your comfort zone and going into new areas may seem scary at first, but the rewards on the other side merits pushing through the fears. Growth comes from adversity and the pain of discomfort. Don’t fear that, embrace it. What’s the worst thing that can happen?

Regret: One of the most painful emotions that we experience is regret. How often do you speak to someone about something that they are deeply regretful about that you can literally see the pain in their eyes? The majority of regret comes from not taking action or risks. The “I wish” mentality, long after an opportunity has passed or we could have acted differently we still ponder on it with regret and sadness. Forgive yourself, even if you have lost the love of your life. Your life is not going to improve by self-loathing and wolowing in sadness. Let go, move on and allow your self to love again, free of the scars and boundaries you create for new relationships. You can be happy again, just need to allow yourself to feel it.  Carrying around emotional baggage of any kind is only going to continue to cause you pain.

Mistake like regret is toxic also. As humans we continue to pay for the same mistake over and over. Long after an event has taken place and the consequences either good or bad have occurred when revisited past failures, mistakes or hurtful feelings we regurgitate the feelings (consciously or not) and replay them over and over causing the same initial pain. True justice is only paying for the same mistake once, true injustice is paying over and over again. Have the courage to let go of your mistakes and to pay only once for errors.

Regret should drive the shit out of us, trying everything in our power to avoid it. The regret from failure pales in comparison to the empty feeling of not ever trying at all. Not trying brings feeling far worse than regret and that’s is a passionate pain of self-loathing. Take the chance and pursue every opportunity with vigor and gusto, when you’re dead you cant do shit about it. What have you got to lose?

Love:  The most important of all things in this world, start by loving yourself. Regardless of the mistakes you have made or your shortcomings, you are worthy of love. You’re unique and made the way you are so embrace that, don’t fight it. Be who you want to be and don’t let anybody influence your self worth regardless of how much you love and respect them. Attachment is by far the biggest danger to self-esteem and shouldn’t be present in healthy relationships, be proud of who you are. Love yourself enough to put the right fuel into your body, that goes for everything not just food. Surround yourself with people, situations and ideas that will spawn exciting and happy moments in your life. If you are stuck in a situation that doesn’t serve you, leave.

Love others passionately and without restraint, tell her how much you love her and why, regardless of the fear of rejection or scars from previous heartbreak. Tell her every time it crosses your mind, make it pass your lips and land on attentive ears. There is nothing more beautiful than expressing your unique love to someone and there is nothing shameful or embarrassing about it, particularly as a man. You’re ok all by yourself as well, nobody will complete your circle for you, aim to be the full circle first and try not to fit together just to feel whole, codependency is not an avenue for happiness.

Attention: Be present, put your phone in your pocket and look people in the eyes and smile. The greatest gift you can give somebody is your undivided attention. Not worrying about work or being somewhere else, just being present in the moment. There is no future or no past, just the present moment. What we put our attention on breaths, its what we bring life to. Listen instead of waiting for your turn to talk. There is nothing more amazing than contently listening and deeply connecting with a person. The whole world stops and feels like it’s spinning just for the people engaged. Speak truths, be honest and ask questions. Look at someone as if they are the only person in the world and see the world open up to you.

Passion: Always do your best. That’s all you can do. This goes for everything in your life, not only the things we enjoy. If you do your best you are immune to negative self-talk if things don’t turn out the way you want to. For gods sake relax though, don’t take yourself too seriously, you’ll never get out alive.

Do the things that you love and make you happy, even if nobody in the world understands why it makes you so. There is no shame in who you are and the passions that inspire you to experience or create. Ignoring your own intuition based on acceptance or approval from others is the biggest betrayal of your self-desire. The people that love and accept you for who you are will come along for the ride.

Action: Thoughts and ideas are amazing and exciting at first but writing lists and setting goals means shit if you don’t take action and actually start moving towards them. It can be a never-ending perpetual cycle of inaction and procrastination that can go on for years. Even to the point where people who believe in you lose respect for hearing the same story over and over again. Your word is the most important life trait and says a lot about who you are if you can’t keep it. Decide what you want, who you want to be and reverse engineer it.

Do things for your own reasons, you will never appease everyone and living to impress or appease other people, it will be a continuous loop of personal disappointment. Do the work, leave nothing in the tank. Everything you can control, do it and leave in all on the table. Start by starting. Go do. You end up hating yourself for how little action you take. Your self-esteem is aligned with your actions and is 100% in your control, there is no external excuse or victim mentality that you can blame for inaction.

Give and provide value without the expectation of receiving reciprocated appreciation. Trust in the process and don’t keep score, it will only lead to personal and professional animosity.

Gratitude: Be thankful, acknowledge it, life is such a wonderful gift. Projecting forward or backwards is the glue that keeps us stuck in ingratitude, be present and love in the moment. Be proud of yourself in some way, everybody has something inside of them that offers value to someone else. Tell the people you care about how you love them and are grateful to have them in your life. Chances are, they won’t be there forever, so cease the moment. Be grateful by not just existing, thrive to enhance your or somebody else’s life. Create something.

Whatever happens, good or bad from living without restraint and limits, in the end it wont matter. We all end up in the same place, 6 feet under after our 1 innings. Don’t wait to start actually living the life you want before it’s too late.

Play some shots, hope you ton up.

Big love,

Nath.

Blind

I had my eyes closed, I couldn’t see you.

As time passes, life moves on and the wounds heal, everything seems so simple and crystal clear. You arrive at a place where all the small insignificant things seem so laughably so and are filled with a sense of sadness and regret. A longing for a different outcome knowing what you know now.

I close my eyes sometimes and thoughts of your smiling face fill me with a warm sense of happiness followed by a sense of self-loathing and sadness when I open my eyes to see you’re not here. The goose bumps are followed by shaking of my head when I think about all those times I looked into your eyes and wanted to tell you how much I love you and what an incredible human you are. Telling you that being with you makes me want to be the best man I can be and how grateful I am that you appreciate me for who I am, albeit uniquely flawed. Instead, not allowing those words to pass my lips out of fear of not being able to survive if my heart was smashed into a million pieces again if I fully committed and became vulnerable. That place where true connection can occur and explicit imprinting bonds two people together. A part of my heart was closed that wouldn’t allow seeing your light and allowing it fully engulf me. I wasn’t ready for you, even though I have been searching for you my whole life. I know I wasn’t the man I needed to be either so I don’t feel resentment you seeing other things without me, they weren’t mine to see.

There are more than 3 things, there are a million things that remain unseen.

If love is blind, why do I see so clearly now?

My eyes are open.

Frangipani

Your scent, takes me right back there.

That place so devastating that it doesn't seem real. Like a bad dream that you can’t ever wake up from. Meters away lies water that is too dangerous to swim in, lizard monsters and creatures with stingers than can end your life in minutes with a single touch. On land, a harsh environment, blood red soil and heat that makes you question if you dried yourself properly after that morning shower.

I hate that I love you, and it's difficult to allow other flowers to blossom in my world. I can't stand not knowing when you're going to open up and flower for me, or even at all. I wait, I wait... The wait seems interminable, and then out of nowhere you appear at almost perfect intervals of having moved on or let go. Then there I am again, waiting for another winter and spring then winter passes again.

Despite these hardships, I cannot stop being infatuated with your strength and beauty, you amaze me. Even though this is not my home, I cannot let go of the fact that it could be, despite all these challenges. I’m not in control of anything and that petrifies me more than you will ever know. I know where you are but you feel hopelessly lost to me. I feel totally alone when I'm close to you and I lose all my inner strength and become helpless, less of a man. Inadequate and needy, not traits real men can carry himself through life with. Just sitting and waiting, praying and hoping that its not reality that you’re not in my flowerbed even though you’re within my reach, but painfully out of my grasp.

The spring is coming soon my friend.

Maybe it will be a great year.

If Cats Were Your Girlfriend

For years debate has raged over cats vs. dogs. The arguments from both sides have been looking at things the wrong way. Just imagine for a moment if cats were your girlfriend. Would you still love them unconditionally? Do they act faithful, loyal and grateful, cherishing being a special part of your life as dogs do? How many of you would put up with the conditions endured? Think about it…

You’re Always Paying For Dinner: When it comes to food its always a big deal. When cats are hungry all you hear is that annoying noise coming out of their mouth. Not to mention that cats are picky and unappreciative. One meal they can enjoy what you have prepared or ordered and the next they wont like it, turning their nose up at it like you should have known better. Not a single word of thanks either! Unbohlievable! After they have finished eating they vanish, until they want something else from you. Worst of all though, they never bring their purrrrrrrse and you’re always paying for dinner.

They Shit in Your House: This is by far and away the weirdest to understand… Not only do we accept this, we cater to it. A clean environment is provided to them with a specific area inside our house dedicated to their business. Its like it’s a secret, creeping around at odd hours so it’s not obvious of what is occurring. We clean up after without a single word of thanks and pretend that it’s not happening under our roof.

Affection: Like it or not affection is always on their terms, no coercion is possible, even after hours of trying. No quantity of good deeds or positive reinforcement will increase your chances of “getting some”. The problem lies when they do though it’s amazing, making you feel so special. Making cool sounds and vibrating, evoking you to smile widely and taking you to that happy place. They always feel so soft and smell lovely. What makes it so special though by their nature, you are not sure when you will be as lucky again so you savor it like its a single piece of baklava. Cats drip-feed you affection just enough so you don’t go elsewhere or question the scarcity of the interactions. A never-ending battle, its like it’s a game, a game where you do not hold the aces and is impossible to come out in front.

Wait a minute…

Big love,

Nath.

Black Dog

You wandered into my yard, so innocent and such a baby yet over the years you have continued to grow. You’ve grown into a potential killer, a destroyer of men.

I’ve gotten better at keeping the gate closed, but you still pace up and down waiting for your opportunity. An unrelenting hunger, driven and determined.

Breathlessness and shear terror engulfs me when you’re around. Irrationally, as I have met you many times and know of the darkness that you possess. Motivation to do anything leaves me, even though action will ease this pain. I forget who I am and the strength and desire that lives inside me.

Nothing but time will make you go walkabout. There is comfort in that, eventually this torment will pass and life goes on. Just have to wait it out, and enjoy the good times until you inevitably return.

You always find your way home.

The fence will be bigger next time.

Next time.

Gratitude

We often fail to see the most wonderful things that are right in front of us. It only seems to be when we experience loss, illness or restriction that we truly become grateful for the things that are most important.  We also often fail to see the sheer amazingness of the fact that we have been born in this country with such an incredible opportunity.

The search for the “perfect life”. You know the clichés, the extremely beautiful wife cruising around in BMW cars, big house with excessive spending and accumulated debt.  The brainwashing mentality of what success is leads us to become sad and feel inadequate that we are not achieving these things, its like there is a sense of entitlement that along with these things we should experience happiness without doing anything to promote that. We then become bitter and complain, get stuck and continue to do the same things over and over again and remain in the same ungrateful situation. We forget how lucky we are to be given this chance of living and to still have breath in our lungs. 

We spend half our time thinking about stuff that doesn’t matter, like how much money we have in the bank or how many people like our social media posts also what people think about us, we lose track of the important things. We look to the future, and how wonderful life will be when we get that job, woman or material possession and fail to see the wonderfulness in our lives that’s happening right now. Neglecting ourselves and the people closest to us.

In romantic relationships we concentrate on the things that are missing or not perfect rather than focusing on the wonderful things that constitute that relationship. Taking each other for granted and not appreciating the love and connection that you share. Often we sabotage them unwillingly through thoughts that everything should a certain way and perfect, which is so unrealistic and as a result don't pursue oppurtunities. It takes a relationship ending often to truly open your eyes to how important it is to you. 

The most important things, like the health of your loved ones, the ability to drink clean water, speak and give and receive love is what truly matters. The relationships between the people who you love and reciprocate the love cannot ever be put lower in the category of importance as a fancy education or a two story mansion. On your death bed are you going to ask for that photocopy of your bank statement or are you going to ask to have your loved ones around you to tell them one last time how much you love them and are grateful they love and respect you the way you are?

In my own life I can look at all the things I am grateful for that I know I take for granted far too often. The fact that I have been born into this healthy body, of reasonable intelligence in a middle class family in Australia, I have almost won the lottery. My close blood family are alive and healthy and my two brothers have found the love of women that I know bring them joy and happiness.  Hopefully there is so much time to experience things with them, I really am so lucky to have all these things in my life.

I’ve wasted so much time dwelling on what I don’t have and have neglected the things i do. I mostly don’t have it for dwelling on all the things I don’t have and procrastinating and being ungrateful.  This life is such a gift and I need to fill it up everyday and be thankful for that. I can have everything I want in life if I do the work and make the required sacrifices. Pay the price so to speak. It’s really that simple, there is no physical or mental barrier in front of me. There is so much opportunity and endless avenues for happiness.

God, I am grateful for the life I have been given and I like who I am and how you have created me. I am also grateful for the love I have in my life as well as the pain and lessons I have experienced by my poor decisions and shortcomings, it makes me the man I am today. I’m not going to waste anymore time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Be grateful and look at what you’ve got right in front of you. Chances are it’s the most wonderful gift that you have ever received and one day will no longer be there.

Big love,

Nath.

Ideal Day Vision

Wake up next to the woman I love. A woman that accepts me for who I am and loves and supports me openly, passionately and unconditionally. A woman that is happy with who she is and is confident about that. A woman that is honest, open, in touch with her emotions, also caring and can express how or what she feels (I cant read minds!). She’s sexy, sexual and a little bit cheeky and spontaneous. Smiling at her as she sleeps. Feeling blessed that we are together.

Putting my boots on and walking down to the paddocks that my horses are in, breathing the morning air in. Spending time with them, being grateful about the life I have been given and those special people in my life that I share love with.

Going back into the house and kissing my beautiful wife, then having breakfast with our children, laughing and telling jokes and stories.

Driving my kids to school, and then going to the gym I own and smash out a workout, lift heavy. Feeling the endorphin rush and being healthy in my mind body and spirit. Throughout the workout listening to self-improvement material and learning new things, expanding my consciousness.

Going to my office, toasted sandwich lunch (something with cheese in it), meditate.  The office is decked out with a large TV that will have the racing on in the background. Doing work surrounding the Italian restaurant I own (Wood fire pizza of course). Then reading emails regarding the racehorses I own.

Driving home (orange pimp Chrysler), then preparing a healthy meal with my family. My wife and children crowded around the marble topped kitchen bench with stools. Talking about the days we have had, real connection and human interaction.

Reading after dinner, something inspiring in someway. Self-development or autobiographical. Sitting on the porch as the thunder storm rolls in. Feeling the spray of the rain on my face while holding my wife.

Going inside and making passionate love to my wife. Looking her in the eyes telling her how much I love her and how I appreciate her in my life. Fall asleep to the sound of rain on my tin roof.

8 hours sleep… Gainz Brah.

Big love,

Nath.

When the Party's Over

So this is my first blog, loosing my blog virginity with an issue that has without doubt been the biggest hurdle in my life to date. Everything that I can remember that has happened to me in a negative way has been as a consequence or associated with the way I consumed alcohol.

October 2013 was the month I had my last drink in. For those who are interested it was a can of Toohey’s new at around 5:30am with the sun coming up (classy right?).

At the time I was unemployed, single, broke, living at home as a 28 year old and heavily depressed. Not three month earlier having the world at my feet both relationship wise and professionally, I had lost it all because of alcohol and not dealing with my anxiety and the self-defeating behavior that surrounds it. I will never understand why it takes getting to “rock bottom” for change to occur but as so often happens with people this is what happened with me.

I drank because I couldn’t proactively or positively handle the physical and emotional shortcomings in my life. I used to bottle up my worries and stress and “release” them on weekends with benders that at times could be multiple days. 3 drinks was my limit, if I had the fourth I would drink until I passed out or until there was no alcohol left. Negative experiences that occurred because of this behavior led to having a really low self esteem due to being ashamed of the things that would happened. It would repeat over and over and over again. Feel bad = Drink, feel bad because you drank and made a fool of yourself.  Such a self-defeating, self-sabotaging loop that lasted years. The feelings of not being worthy and deserving good things were inevitable when you unintentionally sabotage everything good in your life.

The term “Alcoholic” is such a vague one, was I addicted to alcohol? No, but I did heavily binge drink every weekend. Does that make me an Alchy? Ill leave that to the professionals to determine. I definitely agree that I had a substance abuse problem, I also believe I was born never to consume it. I’m allergic to it, my body reacts to it in ways that most people can’t understand. It changed the person I was, into the deepest darkest version of myself. Erratic behavior and verbally saying atrocious things to people that I never imagined would come out of my mouth and from the bottom of my heart ever believed. I used to get horrible Hangovers, even after only 6 beers. It’s like it was poison to my body.

That’s the craziness of it. I knew it was the cause of 95% of my problems but I didn’t have the skills to manage my anxiety without it. It wasn’t a reflection of the relationships that I kept or the love I had for the people in my life, I just didn’t know any other way. The people I loved the most would be on the receiving end of the worst of it because I think subconsciously I wanted to push them away from me to not hurt them ongoingly.

My days of drinking alcohol are over and I say that without an ounce of sadness or regret two years on. I am never going to be in a situation when I don’t have full control of my emotions where I can hurt myself or anyone close to me so deeply ever again. I could never have the things I wanted in life if I continued to do the same things over and over.

I wasn’t a man, I was a little boy not talking responsibility. A man is reliable, accountable and present. Caring but a protector, passionate but in control. When I was drinking I was never any of these at the same time. That’s what this sobriety has given me. The ability to actually be a man, not just a man but the one that’s in me and always has been. Its given me everything and im finally free. I’m not perfect and I still have a lot of things to work on, but im not avoiding that anymore. Proactively counteracting my issues rather than burring them with alcohol. Because of that I’m free. Knowing that I’m not going to hurt people so deeply anymore is such a weight of my shoulders, people don't have to worry about me anymore.

I am deeply regretful to the people that I have hurt over the years because of my drinking and I have lost people in my life that I know will never truly forgive me for the things that have happened, but there is a bright side. I will never be in another situation that has caused so much pain to so many people every again if I continue to abstain. I can look upon it positively and be grateful that I only lost 13 years of my life not 60 if I continued to be in denial. I hope that my sobriety in some small way is a testament to how sorry I am. I know thats no comfort to the people that experienced me at my worst but I could have lost my whole life. A life filled with happiness and Love. 

Life's too short to be staring at the bottom of schooner glass, burying things and sleeping away your Sunday's.

Big love,

Nath.