When the Party's Over

So this is my first blog, loosing my blog virginity with an issue that has without doubt been the biggest hurdle in my life to date. Everything that I can remember that has happened to me in a negative way has been as a consequence or associated with the way I consumed alcohol.

October 2013 was the month I had my last drink in. For those who are interested it was a can of Toohey’s new at around 5:30am with the sun coming up (classy right?).

At the time I was unemployed, single, broke, living at home as a 28 year old and heavily depressed. Not three month earlier having the world at my feet both relationship wise and professionally, I had lost it all because of alcohol and not dealing with my anxiety and the self-defeating behavior that surrounds it. I will never understand why it takes getting to “rock bottom” for change to occur but as so often happens with people this is what happened with me.

I drank because I couldn’t proactively or positively handle the physical and emotional shortcomings in my life. I used to bottle up my worries and stress and “release” them on weekends with benders that at times could be multiple days. 3 drinks was my limit, if I had the fourth I would drink until I passed out or until there was no alcohol left. Negative experiences that occurred because of this behavior led to having a really low self esteem due to being ashamed of the things that would happened. It would repeat over and over and over again. Feel bad = Drink, feel bad because you drank and made a fool of yourself.  Such a self-defeating, self-sabotaging loop that lasted years. The feelings of not being worthy and deserving good things were inevitable when you unintentionally sabotage everything good in your life.

The term “Alcoholic” is such a vague one, was I addicted to alcohol? No, but I did heavily binge drink every weekend. Does that make me an Alchy? Ill leave that to the professionals to determine. I definitely agree that I had a substance abuse problem, I also believe I was born never to consume it. I’m allergic to it, my body reacts to it in ways that most people can’t understand. It changed the person I was, into the deepest darkest version of myself. Erratic behavior and verbally saying atrocious things to people that I never imagined would come out of my mouth and from the bottom of my heart ever believed. I used to get horrible Hangovers, even after only 6 beers. It’s like it was poison to my body.

That’s the craziness of it. I knew it was the cause of 95% of my problems but I didn’t have the skills to manage my anxiety without it. It wasn’t a reflection of the relationships that I kept or the love I had for the people in my life, I just didn’t know any other way. The people I loved the most would be on the receiving end of the worst of it because I think subconsciously I wanted to push them away from me to not hurt them ongoingly.

My days of drinking alcohol are over and I say that without an ounce of sadness or regret two years on. I am never going to be in a situation when I don’t have full control of my emotions where I can hurt myself or anyone close to me so deeply ever again. I could never have the things I wanted in life if I continued to do the same things over and over.

I wasn’t a man, I was a little boy not talking responsibility. A man is reliable, accountable and present. Caring but a protector, passionate but in control. When I was drinking I was never any of these at the same time. That’s what this sobriety has given me. The ability to actually be a man, not just a man but the one that’s in me and always has been. Its given me everything and im finally free. I’m not perfect and I still have a lot of things to work on, but im not avoiding that anymore. Proactively counteracting my issues rather than burring them with alcohol. Because of that I’m free. Knowing that I’m not going to hurt people so deeply anymore is such a weight of my shoulders, people don't have to worry about me anymore.

I am deeply regretful to the people that I have hurt over the years because of my drinking and I have lost people in my life that I know will never truly forgive me for the things that have happened, but there is a bright side. I will never be in another situation that has caused so much pain to so many people every again if I continue to abstain. I can look upon it positively and be grateful that I only lost 13 years of my life not 60 if I continued to be in denial. I hope that my sobriety in some small way is a testament to how sorry I am. I know thats no comfort to the people that experienced me at my worst but I could have lost my whole life. A life filled with happiness and Love. 

Life's too short to be staring at the bottom of schooner glass, burying things and sleeping away your Sunday's.

Big love,

Nath.